this is my story
by stupidlookingstrawberry
Summary: Piper tells her story after years of not talking at all. oneshot, might get another chapter
1. how it started

"I don't talk, I haven't said a word in nearly four years. A lot of people want to know why, of course I never told them. But I'll tell you, I don't really know why I'm telling you but let's do this.

I'll start from the beginning: hi, my name is Piper Chapman. I'm 26 years old, I grew up with a lot of money and got everything I asked for from my parents but that changed when I was 11. At that age my parents died in an accident, I didn't have any family and I got lost in the system. I've been in many foster families, none of them really wanted me. They just wanted the money that they were supposed to use to take care of me, and of course the men liked the fact that I was a young girl that they could use for their own pleasure. I ran away from the family I lived with at the time when I was 16, I never finished school so I wasn't able to find a job. I lived on the street for a few months, I had no one to talk to. That's when I met him, he called himself Kubra. I was kind of scared of him, but he turned out to be really nice and he actually wanted to help. He taught me how to deal drugs and I was pretty decent at it but I didn't like doing it. So I asked Kubra if there was another way to make money, Kubra learned me how to fight and I got into the world of underground street fighting. It turned out I was really good at it and I won a lot of fights. I made good money, I fought for 2 years but when I was 18 I had to stop because I was too old. I went back to dealing and started to see the fun in it, Kubra gave me a better job. It was now my job to deliver the drugs, I liked it, it meant I got to travel a lot. One of the addresses I had to go to a lot was the band death maiden, they used a lot of drugs. I went to their show once, it sucked….

Moving on,  
one day I was delivering the normal amount of heroine to them and as always they were happy to see me, and even more happy to see the drugs. A daughter of the drummer came looking for her father, apparently she never met him. the drummer was not what the girl wanted him to be, I could see that. She went to the bathroom and I talked to her, I learned her name was Alex Vause and she grew up with only her mother. She asked me what I was doing here and I told her about the drugs.

Long story short, I gave her my number and asked her to call me. Not to get her involved in the cartel, just because I wanted to see her again. Alex did call back and I asked her out on a date, she said yes. We went on a date and many more followed, I never really told her about my family or how I got involved in the cartel. She didn't ask.

I loved her, hell I still love her. But she didn't love me enough to stay, she left and broke my fucking heart. I begged her not to leave but she left anyway. After that I started using the stuff I was supposed to deliver and Kubra send me to a rehab. I spent a lot of time there. I felt so stupid, I almost killed myself with those drugs. I asked Kubra if I could stop working for the cartel, he understood my pain and let me go. I am still grateful for that, but I don't see a reason to live anymore. I don't have a job and very few friends, only one really. Only one stayed after I stopped talking.

I feel pathetic because I realise I still love Alex and I still hope she will come back, even after 6 years. And the sad thing is, she's probably living her live right now. Maybe she has a girlfriend, maybe she is traveling, I'd never know because I haven't seen her since she left me. I am probably never going to stop loving her, but being here, telling you my story, even talking, is the first step of me trying to enjoy my live again.


	2. what now

After I told my story I sat back down and tried to listen to other story's, I really did! I just couldn't care less about these random persons that I never met before and will probably never see again. I zone out and think about what I'm going to do when I'm allowed to leave this miserable place, I'll go to Red's. yeah, I'll go say hi, what means I will show my face so they know I'm alive but I will keep my mouth shut. I still don't have the courage to talk in front of everyone I love, not that I love many people. Only three, if you count in Alex, who doesn't love me back and who I haven't seen in years. Anyway, the meeting has come to an end and I want to leave but a woman starts talking to me, "hi" she says "I'm Ruby". I smile and nod, she probably already knows my name.  
"so you really don't talk do you"  
I shake my head and look to my hands, I feel ashamed and Ruby notices it. She puts a hand on my arm and smiles reassuringly "hey" she says "it's okay, no need to be ashamed of yourself. We all come here so that means every single one of us has problems and we are all a little fucked up." I look up, ruby jokes "maybe the woman that works behind the bar doesn't but she is working here so she must have pretty low standards."  
It makes me chuckle, it is nice to be around someone who doesn't need you to talk, someone who accepts you as you are. I grab a piece of paper and write down ' _coffee?_ ',  
"sure, let's get some coffee"  
I smile and mention for her to follow me, I walk out the door and decide to talk to Ruby "why did you talk to the one person you know wasn't going to talk back, other known as me" I start walking.

"I'll be honest with you" Ruby sights "I don't know how to say this"

"just shoot"

"okay, I know Alex and can help you get in contact with her again" Ruby looks at me hopeful. I smile sad and shake my head.

"she chose to not have me in her live and I will respect that even if it hurts, I also can't deal with another heartbreak."

Ruby is silent for a moment, then she says something I didn't expect to hear "she misses you too, you know"  
my head snaps up and I look at Ruby, I'm trying to see if she isn't just saying this to get to me. "if you are telling the truth I still don't know what to do with this information, my pride got shattered that day and I'll be damned if I am the one reaching out to her. I'm not doing it."

I don't know why I'm saying these thing, I would love to see Alex again and I would love to reach out but what I said is true. I want Alex back but I am scared, I won't survive if Alex breaks my heart again. My heart is still in pieces and I can't let anyone crush those pieces.

"I'll give you her business cart" Ruby holds out a cart, I don't reach out immediately "take the damn thing Piper"

And I do it, I take the cart. "okay, and now what"

"now you are going to talk to your friend and you decide what to do with it, you can call me too if you need help"

I smile, "thanks Ruby, I appreciate it"

"that's okay Piper, I have to go now but don't be afraid to call"

"okay, thanks again. I'll see you around"

"bye" and with that Ruby walks away, I continue my walk to Red's and look at the business cart in my hand ' _Alex Vause_ ' it is a white cart with black letters. On the back is Ruby's number, I appreciate everything she has done for me. She might not know it but she is one of the few that don't want anything from me.

I arrive at Red's and look at sit down at my usual table, I rest my head on my hands and close my eyes.

"Jesus Piper, what happened to you. You look a little more down than usual" Nicky says, I open my eyes and look up. I want to say something but I don't know how Nicky would react if I did. Nicky never heard me say something in years. I might as well talk "I don't know what to do Nicky"

Nicky's eyes go big, "holy shit, it talked!"

I hold up the business cart and Nicky takes it out of my hand, "Alex Vause" she reads out loud "as in **the** Alex Vause"

I nod

"the Alex that is in your worst nightmares, the one that left you and you are still hung up on. Also the Alex that made you not talk for so many years and got you to use drugs"

I nod again, "and now I got the option to contact her"

"are you going to do it?" Nicky sits down next to me

"I don't know Nick, what should I do?"

Nicky smirks "you should write her a letter, just like you told me you used to do before she went with you on you trips"

I don't think that is such a bad idea, "holy shit, you're a genius!" I smile big, now I have a plan and I can do something useful.

"I know" Nicky stands up "glad I could help, I'll bring you your food"

"thanks Nick"

Nicky is the waitress and works here, I come her a lot and I always order the same so they never have to ask anymore. I grab my notebook and paper and start to write.


	3. the first letter

_Dear Alex,_

 _I met Ruby the other day and she gave me your number. At first I was not going to use it, I am still not sure if I am. I don't know what to do… I am a broken person, still.  
and I'm not writing this letter to let you know how much you fucked me up because in a way it wasn't you who did the fucking up, I don't blame you. _

_I blame myself_ , _I blame myself for bringing you into my world, I blame myself for being in that world, I blame myself for all the fucked up things I did. And that's okay, it's not like I got much else to do than sit in a bar, drink coffee and read all day. Remember all the books you told me I should read, "the classics" you called them. Well guess what, I read all of them! One of the few positive things about my life now, but I'm not going to bore you with words about my life. I'd call that wasted ink._

 _(Let me get poetic here) wasted like my life and wasted like all the drugs I took, I would remember my name at the sober times and at those moments I quickly took some more drugs. I couldn't handle the thought of a life without the buzz of the drugs, they were my life. And today I decided to do something with my life, it's ironic really. The place I met Ruby was the community centre, it had just told my life story to some strangers and now I'm writing you a letter. Just like we used to write each other when I was away._

 _My friend Nicky is sitting next to me and reading every word I write so I might have to rewrite this whole letter, she doesn't let me cry anymore. Nicky is the best thing that happened to me though, she keeps me away from the drugs and serves me free food. But I have been a terrible friend for her, today was the first time in years she heard my voice. Exactly, I didn't talk for years. I don't really know why, maybe it was because I always thought that if I didn't have anything useful to say, why would I say anything at all? After a while I didn't think anything I ever had to say was useful so I just said nothing all the time, I lost a lot of my friends because I don't talk. I kind of forgot what my voice sounds like….. I know right, Piper is an idiot. You must be thinking "what is this bitch writing me about" but I hope you're not, I hope you at least smile at my pathetic attempt's of jokes. I try... that makes me think of a song I once heard, can't remember the name though. That's annoying_

 _Nicky is looking at me like "why are you writing all this bullshit down, I'll answer her question here, I write this bullshit to keep someone (in this case you, Alex) reading. People don't like reading serious stuff, that won't hold their attention for very long. So if I change serious subjects with everyday life, it will make sure that you (Alex) keep reading. Now I hope that you haven't burned or ripped apart this letter, I would understand if you would but again, that would be a waste of ink._

 _I am eating toast right now, with Nutella. God I love Nutella. Chocolate in general and that is also the reason I have to work out, one thing I did find out by eating a lot of chocolate is that it doesn't cause pimples. Which is good because otherwise I would have a lot of them. You know how I used to crave chocolate when I was on my period, well that's 24/7 now. Anyway I'll stop my rand about chocolate now and end this letter. I'm not going to ask you to write back or meet me because I want that to be your choice, not because you feel like you have to._

 _From Piper_

That was the first try, I try another one. Nicky has already left, she had to serve some food.

 _So I realized today that I'm an idiot, don't ask me why. I realize this quite a lot lately…. You're reading this now and thinking "what the fuck, who is writing me?" and I know that because that's what any sane person would think. But please don't stop reading my words, I need someone to talk to and I met your friend. She told me you needed someone to talk to too so she gave me your number but I am not going to call you, I like writing letters, it's more personal somehow. Which is weird because we could directly talk on the phone and now I'm not even sure I'll even get a response but on this piece of paper I can say whatever I want and when I don't like it I can just throw it all away again. I can burn it, I can rip it apart, I can just throw it in the trash. Destruction is inevitable, self-destruction in this case. I have been thinking about dying my hair a lot lately but I realized I don't have the guts to do it, and there is the side of me that is still hoping my ex will come back. That side is scared that the ex won't like the coloured hair, but anyway, enough about that. Let me ask you, should I do it? Paint the hair?_

 _And I know, how are you supposed to know that if you don't even know what I look like. Well, just guess. I probably won't do it whatever you say….._

 _Anyway, I hope you write back. Please don't come looking for me, you won't like who (what) you see. With friendly regard from your on paper therapist (not for real but I thought it sounded cool)_

I'm going to send the last letter, let's not tell Alex my name yet.


	4. the beginning

_So…. Hi, I guess_

 _It feels weird writing to a someone I don't know, I mean, you didn't even give me a name and you obviously know my name. Maybe this is all just one big prank or you are someone who is close to me and trying to get me to talk, if I'm right about that please stop this. Stop writing me, stop fooling me, stop thinking something is wrong while there isn't. You don't even need to tell me your name just don't write more letters if I know you, okay? Thanks._

 _If I don't know you, I'm curious to get to know you. But, I'm not going to talk to you like you're my therapist and as I said before, I'm fine. It should be more like friends who live far away from each other, I know we don't because I saw the stamp on your last letter and it was from New York. But then again, New York is really big. I'll admit it's tempting to go look for you. Although you only send me one letter and I should not be whining like a little bitch._

 _I just ignored this woman wanting to pass by because I was writing the last sentence and now everyone is looking at me weird, I don't like it. I'm meeting up with a friend of mine but he's late, like usual. Next time I should be late just to make him feel how it feels to be lonely while waiting for someone, I can write this now but normally I just sit and look around awkwardly. Oh wait there he comes, I'll continue this letter later._

 _It's 1 am now and I'm trying to repair my glasses, I dropped the goddamned things at a party. The party was lit but after my glasses broke I couldn't see shit and the fun was gone so I went home. Cool story huh, do you know how expensive glasses are? I do, fucking expensive! And right now I can't afford to get new ones right now, I can actually but I hate going to some dude (always dudes) with some degree from some fancy pants university that somehow knows what I see and dares to tell me my vision is ten times much worse than it is. I'm sorry, I get frustrated when smart people misuse their brains for stupid or illegal things. I had a girlfriend once who is a perfect example of that, she was so smart and so bright. She was a blonde girl from a good family and she had the brains but she was a drug dealer and I don't even know why or how she got into that. I knew almost nothing about her past, I always assumed she lived a happy life as a child. I probably shouldn't tell you any of this, but you probably don't know who I'm talking about so it's okay. I still can't fix these damn glasses, I'm so frustrated, I want to throw them at a wall. Or scrunch them up, or put them on the train rails and wait for the train to come by._

 _You know what, fuck it. I'll do it tomorrow or something. Sleep, I need sleep now. I'll post this letter tomorrow too, sorry for writing so much bullshit down. Please tell me your name, or not even your name, just any name will do. I want to be able to think that I know who I'm talking to._

 _Sincerely,  
Alex Vause._

I close the letter, I have tears in my eyes and I hate it because I shouldn't cry about my ex but I can't help it. I wouldn't call this crying though, it's more tearing up or something. It's funny that Alex wrote about me, she's right about most things. How my "talents" are wasted on the drugs, well, about that. Kubra called earlier and asked me to work for him again, it's not really involved with drugs. I'm basically babysitting his houses in different countries while he's not there, I immediately said yes. That means I can travel again and I don't even have to do anything for it! It sucks leaving Nicky behind but maybe she can visit sometime. And you know what the best part is about all of this, Alex will never be able to find me even if she does come looking for me! And the fact that I get payed a lot is nice too.

I have to say goodbye to everyone (Nicky…..) and then I have to pack a bag, I'm so excited! I should inform Ruby too, I'll call her right away.

XXXXXXXX

"what do you mean you found a job!?" Nicky doesn't sound happy

"you really need me to answer that?"

"no… what kind of job is it?"

"so don't get mad" I sight "I have to babysit Kubra's houses"

"what? Are you saying what I think you're saying? Are you mad? Are you completely out of it?"

"listen Nicky, Kubra is like a father to me, he would never let anything happen to me"

"I don't trust him, him and his world"

"if you don't like me going alone, com with me"

"no" Nicky shakes her head "I can't do that"

"why not? You have as many friends as I do and you just have to ask Red, wouldn't it be awesome? Traveling the world together?"

Nicky thinks about it for a second "well I suppose we could ask Red"

And that is what we did, Red agreed after some begging and we started packing our shit. I wrote a letter to Alex to let her know the new situation:

 _Dear Alex,_

 _You can call me Ana, I was glad to see your response to my letter. I'm curious about this woman you're talking about, please tell me more. And don't smash your glasses, you sound like you need them! This is going to be a short letter because I don't have much time and wanted to tell you about things that are going to happen in the next few days. I will be going to Indonesia and I will be staying at the address I wrote at the bottom of this page, when the address changes I will tell you. Sorry for the extra costs, by the way you don't have to apologize about rambling, I like reading that. I included a new pair of glasses, your friend told me the kind you were and some of the other details. Please be careful with the new pair._

 _Sincerely Ana (still your on paper therapist)_

I put the glasses and the letter in a box and drop it in front of Alex' door in the middle of the night, not because we have to but because we were driving past it anyway on our way to the airport. I'm really excited because I love traveling and I can now finally do that again, with my best friend. Nicky is looking at me like I'm crazy, she might be right. We pay the driver and get out of the car, after that we walk into the airport and it takes us another hour to get to the right gate. After waiting at the gate for like 30 minutes we can finally board the plane. It's a long flight, I brought a notebook but I left it in my bag so I can't reach that. I chose the second best thing to do on a plane, sleeping. I sleep for like almost the entire flight and when I wake up I look at Nicky, on her little table are like ten empty bags of peanuts. I start laughing, she ate all my peanuts.


	5. a ramble

_Hi Ana,_

 _I like that name. it's probably not your real name but I can live with it. What do you mean you're going to Indonesia!? How did you manage to afford that, are you rich? Maybe if you're rich you can pay for new glasses, since I officially broke them by trying to fix them. Maybe I should get lenses, those seem handier right? But then again, I've heard so many stories of people who lost their lenses and had to go look for the little fucker and I do not feel like doing that, besides, I hear that these glasses make me look really good so I'd be shooting myself in the foot if I wouldn't put them on anymore. But right now I have neither lenses nor glasses, so I guess you could say I'm fucked because without the things I'm useless. My sight is way worse than I'd like to admit and I'm always pissed when I can't find my glasses so now I'm at a whole new level of irritated, I feel like I should feel bad for my colleagues but I can't even manage that, I'm too busy drowning in my own hate._

 _By the way, I don't think it's really fair if you know my name, address and even my phone number, while I don't even know your name and the address I use is in Bali. That's insane! And then I'm not even talking about the fact that you mentioned a friend of mine in the first letter and I still haven't found out who you meant, everyone I ask says that they've not given anyone my number. One of them must be lying, maybe you are one of them and ya'll are just pranking me or trying to get me to talk about my problems. Or maybe I'm just being paranoia and you are genuinely a someone who wanted to talk to another someone and happened to stumble across this number, thought 'hey this looks like a nice person' and wrote a letter to introduce yourself. Which is what normal people do at the beginning of their first letter, they introduce themselves with a correct name, sometimes they tell you something about themselves or they give a clear reason as to why they wrote the letter. I guess 'I needed to talk to someone and I thought you did too' is an awesome reason._

 _You know what's weird, the style you write your letters. It reminds me of someone I just don't think it is possible that you are her, that'd be the weirdest, not the wrong weird. but I'd have a WTF moment. Just because I never thought I'd ever see her again, a pity really. I'm talking about my ex, the one I talked about in my last letter. Man, she was brilliant. She can speak Spanish, have you ever heard someone speak Spanish? It sounds really beautiful, but also angry. Even when Spanish people are not angry they shout at each other just because it is the language that is so easy to say angry. But back to the point… I'm reading back trying to find where I was going with this but I can't seem to find it, I got so far from the point that I don't think I'll be able to find it again._

 _This morning my friend Ruby somehow convinced me it would be a good idea to go for a run, she said, and I quote 'when you meet the one you have to be able to run in their arms without being exhausted after three meters'. The bitch, I love her but damn. So then I told her 'I already met the one and I managed to run away from her so I'm good' not that she accepted that answer, so I ended up running three miles. I know it doesn't sound like much but for someone who doesn't do sporting I think I nailed it, now I know that I will go next time she asks me but my legs hurt and I have to go to work still and I work as bartender so I'll have to stand for the entire evening as well, so in other words, I'm completely fucked. Not to mention my colleagues, who will laugh at me. It is not my problem that they're all very fit and love sporting, they say they sport to look good and that is exactly why I don't sport, I already look good. Can't deny it._

 _I looked up how long it takes for this letter to reach Bali and it'll be there in like two weeks, that's longer than a century. But I'll be patient, and try not to forget all about you in these four weeks to follow. No promises_

 _Until next time!_

 _Alex Vause_


	6. an answer

_Dear Alex,_

 _It indeed sucks that it takes so long for the letters to reach each other, not that there's much to do about it. It's not like I could make time go by faster or come live closer, I'm here for a job. I work for my old boss again but I have a new and better job now! which is good because now it doesn't involve doing illegals shit, why is it that all I'm good at is illegal. Really, it is terrible, I can't do the things I do best because it could land me in prison and I don't want to hurt my friend but on the other hand, I did love my job. I should probably try some new things, can you imagine being 26 years old and having no goals in life. Nothing you want to accomplish, I already fucked up my dreams and I never finished school so it's not like I can do anything I want. Kind of logical that I went down the wrong path I think, I did make a lot of money and the right friends while doing that. that same friend got me this job._

 _In your letter you talked about how normal people introduce themselves at the beginning of a letter and I know this is like the third letter so I'm already too late but I thought I could still introduce myself, not that I'm really a normal person but I'll try to make this a little more comfortable for you. As I said before, I'm 26 years old, I was born in Connecticut New York, in a rich family. But they died when I was 11 and from that moment on my life was really shitty, then I got that illegal job and it all looked up for a while, things got even better when I met my ex. She was everything I ever dreamed of, I loved her but she didn't just break my heart, she destroyed it. From that moment on I was afraid to open up, to trust or talk to anyone. I quit my job and lived on the money I had made before that, then I went to one of those support groups and that's where I met your friend._

 _Is that enough? Or do I need to explain the details of what happened between when I was 11 and now? I really don't like thinking about that so I would really appreciate it if you'd just say something like "oh thank you for telling me something about yourself". Which brings me to all the nice people I've met in Bali, it's abnormal how nice everyone here is to each other. I feel like I've made so many new friends already, and I've only been here for two weeks. We're planning on staying here for two months, that's when we have to go to a different location. Probably somewhere in Spain, so that'll be closer._

 _Yesterday we went golfing, I always saw those professional golfers on the television and I was like 'that is gonna be really easy' boy, was I wrong. Nicky and I, we spent like an hour trying to get the goddamn ball in the hole and that was the first hole. After the second hole we gave up and went to the bar where we got drunk from cocktails, life here is awesome. And then to think of the fact that I am not paying for any of it, it is all part of the job. I could send you some money for new glasses but I think that by the time it arrives with this letter you already got new ones, I hope so. And it goes against what I was taught, to not give money for free to anyone. Everyone needs to learn how to live on his own, me giving you money is certainly not going to help with that, I know it sound harsh and a little help is always appreciated by everyone. But then again, you say you have a job at a bar so you make money and I think you party a lot so maybe if you skip a few drinks at every party you'll have the money in no time. Just guessing._

 _Reading about you running made me laugh, if I've heard anything about you it is that you don't like running, or any other sports really. Maybe one. But reading about you running also inspired me to go to the gym and get back to my old strength, before the shit happened I was really strong. Luckily the place I'm staying has a really big gym so I don't have to pay any money and I can just train all day, with the three hours of training that I try to do every day I should reach my goal in two months. That's really long, and then I haven't even calculated my cheat days in. it's really hard to eat healthy in a country like this one, they have so many sweets that I don't know I and I do wanna try everything. It's not helping either that Nicky is here with me, she little piece of shit keeps shoving cakes and cookies in my face trying to get me to eat them but I will stay strong, I can't lose this. Nicky says I won't last a week so I need to prove her wrong, I can't stand losing. Don't get me wrong, I love winning but when I see the food I could eat and I am not eating, I want to give up. It's weird that there was a time that I had to eat everything I could because I didn't know when the next meal was going to be and what I had to do for it. And now I'm choosing to not eat the delicious food just because it will make me lose a few pounds and it will make me feel good about myself, I guess that's worth something too._

 _I have to go wake Nicky, she's been sleeping for ages and she wasn't even that drunk. Maybe if I make her breakfast she'll be less pissed when I wake her, or she'll just wake up when she smells food. Anyway, I'll post this and I hope you haven't forgotten me already. You're not allowed to_

 _From Ana_


	7. fuck me

_Hi_

 _I know you're right about the money thing, but that doesn't mean I have to like it. I did already get new glasses and I did do as you said, party a little less. It sucks, what's a party if you can't get completely fucked up. Don't tell my mom that. She probably already knows it so it's not that bad if you tell her again but then again, you don't have her number and you don't even know her name so I don't even know how you'd contact her. Although I guess with the internet today everything is possible, do you know how many times I almost looked up who you are? Of course you don't but I can tell you, it's like twenty times. But then I think of what we have here and I have to admit that I like writing and these letters, so maybe I don't need to know who you are. Does that sound weird? Maybe it does, but that's my reason for not looking you up._

 _I just read your letter and I have a few things to say, the first thing is thank you for telling me something about yourself. I can't imagine what you must've felt like during those years, and I really appreciate you opening up. Second, what do you do? You keep talking about your job but you never actually said what it is, now I'm curious. You'll have to tell me because that job sound amazing, I can tell you all the jobs I've had but none of them included trips to Indonesia or free booze. Not that I really had a lot of jobs, like two. I lived off of my girlfriends money for a long time, right after college I met her and well she was rich so why would I work. She didn't mind me living with her so there was no valid reason to get a job other than that it would be good for me to have something on my hands._

 _A few days ago I was drinking coffee with Ruby and she told me she were the one that gave my number to you, and when I asked her why she would do that she said you were someone from my past that she thought I'd like to talk to again. And then my brain started to do what it is meant for, thinking. I think I know who you are, and it frightens me that I've been talking to you all this time. I honestly didn't think you'd be nice to me after what I did to you, you were right about me destroying your heart but if it makes it any better to hear, I broke my own heart too. I just want to ask you to call me so I can explain myself. I thought about not letting you know that I knew so that we could keep writing like we did before but it didn't seem fair_

 _Sincerely Alex Vause_


	8. oh well

Dear Alex,

I can't tell you how much I appreciate you not looking up who I am, didn't expect it to be honest. Kinda sad that -even though you didn't find out yourself- you still know who I am, you ask me how I can be nice to you. I don't know Alex, I did hate you. Let me rephrase, I _tried_ to hate you for such a long time. You didn't break my heart, you shattered it. And there was no one to pick up the pieces.

I have to be honest with you, I don't want to write this letter. This is the fourth time I've started and the last three attempts ended up in the trash, this one will probably follow. The last one was fine but you wouldn't be able to read it, all the ink got washed away by my tears. That's the affect you have on me, when I'm around you all crazy shit happens. One moment I'm as happy as I'll ever be but the next I'm crying my guts out because of something you did, life with you is like a roller-coaster. It's fast, goes up and down, does flips but is also sickening. And then, after the ride is over, I want to go again and again and again. I'm not trying to make you feel guilty about anything, I'm just explaining how I feel and no, it doesn't make me feel better when you say that you broke your own heart too. Why would it? The thought that you were happier, that was honestly the only thing that kept me going. I thought 'if she's having a good time now then I deserve to have that too'. It was comforting to think you'd be happy without me even though I wanted nothing more than to have you here with me.

And you know what the saddest thing about all of this is

After all these years I still love you

I am still waiting in line until I can ride that roller-coaster again, because without you I miss colour. Somehow you brought that into my life and when you left you took the rainbow with you, it's weird how normal things like drinking coffee can remind me of you. Or when I walk the streets and I think I see you, so I panic and try to find a place to hide but then it turns out that it isn't even you. I thought it would stop hurting after time, you know _time heals all wounds._ It never did, it still hurt after years. And not even less, no, that would've been awesome. Apparently I wasn't allowed to close this chapter and just move on, every time I came close something pulled me right back into missing you. So why did I not reach out to you, why would I sit around and do nothing. There's the thing, _you_ left _me_. I didn't chose to let you go, I didn't want you to leave. So I respected your choice, and I left you alone. That was one reason, I kept telling myself 'she's an adult, she can make her own choices and the last thing you want to do now is to piss her off'

But most of all, I was afraid. Afraid of what I'd do when I'd see you. Afraid of what you'd do. Afraid of another heartbreak. And the risk alone was reason enough to just be save and alone, I've never been a very social person, you know that. somehow you easily broke down all my walls, like no one had ever done before. Those walls were there for a reason, I had been hurt before. By my parents, by my exes, even by my friends. But, I loved you, and when you said you love me too, I believed you. How many night I'd lay awake thinking of how I could start over again if you'd dump me, but how could I possibly think that you'd leave me when I was wrapped in your arms. When I could burry my face in your hair and when just being around you was enough to make you smile, you didn't have things I hated, not one. And the other way around, you seemed to tolerate all the crazy shit I threw at you and that is stupid because even though I'm the older one, you were always the one that was more mature. Maybe that's why I didn't see it coming, I always thought I'd out child you. And with that I mean that I'd walk away because –I'm sorry- walking away from your problems is kinda childish and that was my thing. I'd always sit outside next to the door, when we had an argument or I just needed some time to think. I loved sitting there, did that some night when I'd lie awake.

I guess what I want to say is that half of me wants to try this again, but the other half is to scared and I don't know what to do. Would I be able to be happy with you? Is it smart to ask you out on a date? Or am I setting myself up for more hurt. Not that I got much to lose.

Would you like to go out with me sometime? Just like old times.

Well, I'll give you my phone number so I won't have to wait a month for a response

Love,

Pipes.


End file.
